blather

I am not much of a blogger, months ago I was using this blog to process though some long term issues I had been dragging about, more or less like the diaries I had written as a girl, and like those diaries I destroyed the writing as soon as I felt that I had come to a decision*  I used to burn the paper book diaries in a nice fire, much more fun than simply deleting them I must say.   I have this feeling that if you keep your old writing/artwork/clothing what have you then you will hold yourself back in the time in which you first thought/acquired the idea/item.

As a person rather subject to too much introspection and questioning of everything and everyone in my purview, I feel it is important to try to more forward, nothing easy for me as I want everything nice and clean all sorted and put away where it belongs.   I want to be sure that I understand what the problem was, where to failure to comprehend rests.
Try that with someones/your own hardly seen never understood innermost feelings, yeah, good luck with that.

Anyway onward and upward, this time around I want to start with something I have been working on for years, since at least adolescence and that is forgiveness.  It has always been difficult for me to forgive, I mean really forgive and let go of things.  It may have started in my childhood, I was exposed to things that I still feel cannot be forgiven.  Interestingly enough though, I am quite able to forgive when it is made easy for me (like when someone apologizes, amends their behavior and never does it again).  You can imagine perhaps that no matter how often I am given that great gift, I still would like more.

I used to think that forgiveness mean that everything was alright, that you could accept whatever with absolute saintly grace and have no misgivings or lingering doubts.  This I have come to realize is not bloody likely,  so perhaps in the name of reason I should seek another end.  And it is rather in fitting with burning away all evidence of having felt such things in the first place, so the diary burning was more a personality quirk than pyromania.

Previously, regarding my own actions,  I apologize as honestly as I can (I am still working on telling the good lie and letting it go), amend the behavior and move on.  I have often apologized to people I felt were rather more in the wrong than I was, as it takes more than one person to start something, more than one person should try to fix it**.

The problem here is as you move forward in life you look back and perceive more clearly what the genuine situation is, after moments unclouded by hurt, anger, fear, desire and other enemies of rational thought. So, clearly preemptive apology is not the best place to start.

At the basest level, I want to forgive, for my own sake.  I want to -not- be burdened with useless thoughts and emotions that nothing good can come of.  I want to be living as a clear headed rational being who can enjoy what comes for what it is.  Further I want that for everyone I meet as well, and particularly for everyone I love.

So it comes to this, to those I love and care for: I forgive everything and everyone, though I don't fully understand why things happen as they do, it doesn't matter, blame is unimportant, mistakes happen, people fail to think things though sometimes, or fool themselves into imagining they have.  Love is important, learning is important, and most of all you are important.  What ever happened or was said, I care about the future more than the past, the time to come is more precious than anything,  

*My decision (as usual) was that I am an idiot, and at least equal in making the situation what is was, but fear not, I think most people are idiots with varying intensity so I don't hold it against either others nor myself. 

**Yes, I know the GARGANTUAN egotistical smugness of this shames me even now.